Boys Will Be Boys Is Why They Leave ©

I came across a post recently that read “Ya’ll ask women to expose their abusers, but when it turns out to be your friend, or family member, suddenly she’s lying.”  This quote was timely because it arrived on the heels of a conversation that I’d just had with a good friend of mine about accountability. Specifically, the lack thereof in people today. More specifically, amongst men.  

Our conversation questioned how so many transgressions are constantly overlooked, excused and even worse laughed about? People will say, “I don’t tolerate that,” or “Protect women at all costs.” But the moment “that” has a name they recognize—a friend they grew up with, a colleague they respect, a brother, a favorite—the standard suddenly shifts.

Is what we’re witnessing selective accountability or personal deniability?  Is it that men can’t or refuse to hold others accountable because they are doing the same or worse? Is the morality bar literally in hell? How can I condemn you for cheating on your wife when I’m cheating on mine? How can I point a finger at you for being a pathological liar when deceit is my second language? After all, people in glass houses can’t throw stones. 

In 2022, Dr. Gregory Matos, PsyD., penned an article for Psychology Today entitled “What’s Behind the Rise of Single, Lonely Men.” The piece drew strong reactions, in part because it named something plainly: a “relationship skills gap.” Specifically, gaps in communication and emotional availability. That framing matters. It shifts the conversation away from external factors such as dating apps, shifting gender roles, evolving expectations, or the idea that “there are no good women left”—and brings it back to what has, or has not, been developed.

Communication, in this context, is not just speaking. It’s listening without defensiveness and responding without deflection. Emotional availability is not selective vulnerability—it’s the ability to remain present, especially when accountability is required.

When these skills are underdeveloped, what often takes their place is avoidance—dismissal, humor, silence, or deflection. And over time, connection becomes difficult to sustain. When these skills are underdeveloped, what often takes their place is avoidance—dismissal, humor, silence, or deflection. And over time, connection becomes difficult to sustain. And instead of being addressed, these patterns are often reduced to something familiar—something easy to say, and even easier to accept.

“Boys will be boys” has got to be one of the most toxic excuses known to man. It requires no investigation. No apology. No self-relection. No discomfort. Just a quick phrase—and the moment is over. Behavior gets minimized. Harm gets reframed. And the person harmed (most likely a woman) gets dismissed - not because what happened was unclear, but because acknowledging it would require something people are unwilling to give.

Accountability.

We’ve heard it more times than we can count.We’ve heard it when—men make sexually suggestive comments and call it “just joking.”

We’ve heard it when discomfort is minimized—when women are told they’re “too sensitive” instead of the behavior being addressed.

We’ve heard it when pressure is applied—when concerns are voiced and responses are dismissed as “just how men are.”

We’ve heard it in laughter— in rape jokes, in locker room talk, in moments that were never funny to begin with.

We’ve heard it when betrayal is minimized—cheating explained away as impulse, instinct, or nature.

We’ve heard it when serious harm is reduced to “mistakes”—and forgiveness is expected on demand.

But this selfishness, this lack of accountability has hurt people. Not abstractly. Not hypothetically. It has hurt real people—in real time.  Frankly, it takes a straight narcissist or sociopath to sit in front of someone you’ve hurt—or someone who has trusted you with their pain—see the impact in real time, and still not recognize yourself in it or the inhumanity of it. 

Now, to be clear—not everyone who fails to respond in that moment is a narcissist or a sociopath in the clinical sense. Those are specific diagnoses. But what is true is that certain traits and states can produce that same level of detachment:

Low empathy—where another person’s pain doesn’t fully register or isn’t prioritized. 

Emotional avoidance—where facing the harm would require confronting yourself, so you shut down instead. 

Defensiveness and shame—where the ego protects itself by minimizing, deflecting, or denying. 

Entitlement—where there’s a belief, conscious or not, that your behavior doesn’t require accountability. 

Desensitization—where repeated harm, especially without consequence, dulls your response to it. And the outcome is the same. You can be sitting face-to-face with someone’s pain—pain you caused or pain they trusted you enough to share—and still remain untouched by it. At that point, it’s not confusing.It’s not a misunderstanding.It’s a refusal to engage with your own humanity. Because “boys will be boys” has never been neutral.It has always been permission—to minimize, to deflect, to look directly at the damage done and call it normal.

At some point, what gets dismissed as “just how men are” becomes exactly why people stop feeling safe, stop engaging, and yes—stop staying.

So no—“boys will be boys” doesn’t explain the behavior. It’s a weak excuse for selfishness, avoidance, and deflection. There’s no confusion here—if this applies to you, you already know it. Grow up. Do the work. Get the help you clearly need. Because what you keep excusing is exactly why people leave—and why they stay gone.

“The hardest thing is seeing pain on someone’s face that you caused, and then have to deal with yourself.” - JayZ